Cha-Ching

So there is a huge benefit to being perceived by relatives as "generally unknown, but appears to show an interest in technology." By this I mean, every single Christmas/birthday/gift-giving occasion, I have received a Best Buy gift card in the value of $50 from each respective relative unit. I don't usually have much use for them. I enjoy video games, which typically fall in the general area of $50, but I don't usually feel the need to buy any particular one. DVD's, same thing, even more so. You buy DVD's for other people, so you can put them on display, and people will be like "Oh fuck, you like Wedding Crashers, too? I thought I was the only one!" With movie channels, and the internet, there are rarely occasions when I decide to settle in to yet another viewing of one of my three hour apocalypse epics unless I need to fall asleep quickly, or I'm drunk. So for the past 5 years or so, I've just been accumulating these Best Buy cards, always with the intent of spending them, but never getting around to doing it.1 Needless to say, the total stack is close to half an inch, which fits snug in the card pocket of my wallet, but my natural proclivities to sitting have made them quite literally a huge pain in the ass. 

So tonight I decided to spend them. Which I did--from the comfort of my own couch no less. I'm glad I never considered spending them online before, because I certainly would never have accumulated as much credit as I have. And what did I buy? 

A fucking computer.

I bet some of you are saying, "why do you need another computer?" I think the obvious answer is, duh. 

So, thank you relatives. A computer over four years is way cooler than a smorgasbord of gift cards to places like Boot Town, Starbucks, or the red-headed step-child of gift card accepters, Blockbuster.2 I needn't mention gift cards to places like McDonalds, or Chik-fil-a, because you have to be retarded3 to buy those. I don't know what occasion4 is appropriate to spread the joy of eating a Big N' Tasty, but it seems more like punishment. 

1. It is important to note that Best Buys are always somewhere off the highway, most likely in the extreme suburbs, and I hate driving out to that shit for the same damn Best Buy experience.

2. There is no worse place to get someone a gift card from than Blockbuster. They have nothing for purchase except shitty movies they couldn't pay people to rent, candy that is much cheaper at a grocery store, and fucking weird posters made out of metal. At best it would be used to pay fines, which is such a demoralizing use of a gift, and I bet they don't even allow it.

3. This blog shows the retarded no mercy.

4. Every scenario that I can think of is in some way insulting. I think you would have to know nothing about the recipient of the card, because even knowing that they are literate gives more credence to a Barnes and Noble gift card over the fast food card. Maybe they really like McDonalds, but really who in good conscience can fuel that habit--despite the tangyness of their mayonnaise, and the dankness of the McChicken.

I look forward to the days of single color unitards...

I am compelled to begin everything I say with:  So,

So, having recently watched both Minority Report and The Island, I've been thinking a lot about the near-future utopia that we must certainly be heading towards. Both movies have that "dark side of science" narrative  that imagine the most incredibly spectacular futures--where everything is see-through and sleek-- and then try to tear it down because of one glaring social injustice. That "be careful what  you wish for" idea. Fuck that. That sits so poorly for so many reasons.

First of all, we should only be so lucky if shit1 turned out like that. If you argue against that you are nuts. Ok, so we've got a little body harvesting going on. But we've also managed personal jet-packs and cars that drive themselves. A trade-off in my opinion. Things generally look futuristic and cool, as if at some point down the line we decided that all shitty stucco Qdoba's and family dentistry places should be bulldozed in favor of new tall, ovular, buildings with glowing laser strips on them.2 And then with Minority Report, are you serious. The guy has to be the fucking head of the entire program to concoct an ingenious plan to fool the system, which otherwise is totally fool proof. I admit that its a scary reality, but things seem generally on the up.

Second, not only is it too good for us, it could simply never happen. And not like the psychic parts of Minority Report. Specifically, the question that these movies always make me ask is, "what the hell do these people do for a living?" I guess this is not a totally valid criticism, since I'm sure a cobbler or like a book scribe would be totally fascinated by the future-ness of computer programmers. But what about all the jobs we seem to lose in these futures. Invariably, anything manufactured is made by robots, typically very aggressive, automated robots that use cut-a-man-in-half lasers to apply the buttons or snaps to the ______ that they are assembling. We still have jobs like police officer, and doctor, and hotel manager3. But presumably things like auto mechanic, baker, and accountant would be replaced by robots, too. Really, you are hard pressed to find things that robots couldn't do better. Thats the trouble with robots.

And then, these movies always show such specific cross-sections of society. They never mention what the rest of the world is doing. It seems so cool in LA, but there is no mention of how things are going in say, Mexico. 

But, what difference does it make if they can't happen? They are just movies. Aren't you in the least curious as to where this is all going? We've got all these speculations, and in the past they have been so right4, so why can't we expect the same from our current media. I read this thing by a science fiction writer that said writing believable near-term science fiction is basically impossible right now, on account of how fucked up everything is. I'll try to find it, its interesting.

I can't bear to write any more because I feel stupid, but expect a continuation in the form of how awesome Back to the Future5 is, soon.

1. By shit, of course, I mean the collective progress of society.

2. "It's the future, where the fuck are my lasers, Pendleton?"

3. Hotels in the future are always terrible, and are very much like hotels of the present as far as progress goes. On the invention of ovular buildings, the only residents that remained in hotels unanimously agreed to smoke in rooms, leave crumpled cans in corners, and redecorate with dying fluorescent bulbs. 

4. science fiction

5. Why must an '80s movie be directed by fucking John Hughes for it to be considered one of those quintessential "80s movies"? Back to the Future is never included, and the whole franchise wipes the floor with those sob stories. 

So I'm Getting a Gun

It's true.

I am.

I should. 

I want to. 

Kinda. 

The biggest hurdle that I find myself facing is a terrible fear that I am going to end up accidently shooting myself. Which would be understandably terrible. However, I do not lose sleep1 over the notion that I may accidentally shoot myself one day, whereas I do lose sleep over this. There was another site I wanted to link to that I saw sometime around New Years, but I can't find it, and the gist is in this one, too. 

Like the article says, the last supervolcano erupted 75,000 years ago, so scientists really have no idea what to look for. But they can speculate, and what they have surmised is 4 things will happen. I can't remember the last one so I won't bother listing them, but one thing they speculated was increased geyser activity, which there has been, and they also predicted an increase in the number of earthquakes in the area. Yesterday there were 8 earthquakes in the Yellowstone region. Now I'm no seismologist, but since I've never experienced even one earthquake, I must assume that 8 is a lot2. Eruption is obviously imminent. Now I don't know, maybe it will be today, maybe it will be tomorrow, but what I do know, is that once it happens there will only be two classes of people: a) those who own guns and b)slaves.

This is definite. Watch any post-apocalyptic movie. The Road Warrior for example, or the same film with opposite premise, Waterworld3. I'd like to point out that every movie I own must contain at least one of the following- a) a bleak landscape in which all metal has been reduced to jagged sunders covered in barbed wire for some reason, b) Robert Redford- so I feel like you can trust me on this one. 

Now I don't know if I'll survive the initial blast. That is a tall order in itself. But I damn sure don't want to live through the apocalypse, only to spend the rest of my days at the painful end of a bullwhip, pushing a grocery cart full of canned goods towards nowhere in particular, while my captors -the toothless, gun-toting, West Virginian's that they are- cackle amongst themselves and lethargically smack salt-water taffy, keeping their eyes peeled for things to forcibly have sex with. 

I know what you're thinking. It could be 10,000 years just as easily as it could be one year before that volcano erupts. You're crazy. 

Am I? Well we'll see who the crazy one is, when I'm comfortably eating Funyuns in my gun-protected apartment, and you are frantically running from pawn shop to pawn shop, only to find that everyone is long since sold out. 

1. Which has become a precious commodity as of late.

2. I'm aware that most of them are underground and I probably have experienced one of these, but that is not important as to why I need a gun. 

3. If you prefer a slightly more intellectual approach, and you nerdishly prefer books to movies, read The Road for the same results.

This is too awesome

Copy and pasting is beyond my comprehension with these blog things.

The Earl Hindman Game

So I was watching the movie Final last night. It is more or less a low-budget rip off of Twelve Monkeys, with no batshit nuts Madline Stowe1, and the guy from the future is now a guy from the past. It's not really worth watching. The whole movie takes place within one room, and the female lead I've seen in other films, but couldn't remember which ones exactly. All that I could determine was that she has never been cast as anything but "cold, heartless, bitch." I've seen her enough to remember at least that. Easily the best part of the movie was the cameo appearance of this man:

Obviously, he didn't have the fence, but there was no denying the dulcet tones and sage advice of Home Improvement's prodigal son, Earl Hindman. In fact, while the movie was wisely being shown during HBO2's 4:30 AM programming block, and thus not being so much watched as listened to as I tried to force myself to sleep; it was through gravely voice alone that I identified the beloved Wilson. Visual verification was difficult sans fence and fishing hat2, but his fat head and googely eyes confirmed it in the end. Needless to say, seeing Wilson after so many years apart was a welcome reunion3. So much so, that in my hazy, between-worlds, thought drift4, I devised what will certainly become the most epic celebrity game since Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It's sort of like paddidle, or punchbuggy, or any variation on the game where you see a car driving with one headlight. The rules of the game are as follows.

1. Watch TV constantly

2. When you see Wilson in something that is not Home improvement you shout the codeword

3. The codeword is: Wilson!5 

4. You are crowned champion until the next verified Earl Hindman sighting6

Seeing as Earl Hindman has only been in 38 things, and like 5 of them are variations on Home Improvement, and a couple others are voice parts, this game will be effing difficult. Reigns for Wilson! champions are likely to last British monarch lengths. 

As the first crowned Wilson! champion, and being the bloodthirsty tyrant I am, I challenge all to usurp my throne.

1. For those that remember Twelve Monkeys, Brad Pitt also plays a crazy person, but Stowe's version is both a) more compelling and b) more likely to smear feces across the screen in some weird breaking the third wall sort of moment. 

2. Adventure Hat?

3. It should be pointed out that reunion with any other cast member of Home Improvement would be met with a sniveling angry face, a scrunched up nose, and involuntary knuckle-in-palm grinding. Actually, thats not true. If I saw JTT, or little Mark Taylor (RIP1) I would let out a nice, hearty chuckle. 

1 I assume he's dead

4. This drift was primarily dominated by the synesthesia aroused when thinking about the familiar sound of jumping down a Mario pipe2, and the cold-all-over physical sensation that obviously follows that.

2 Waungh-Waungh-Waungh

5. For extra points, "Hi-dee-ho, neighbor!" Although, this takes a few more seconds, and you risk losing the crown to someone less versed in the game of "Wilson!"

6. Wilson cannot be identified multiple times in the same program. For a sexier version of the game, you can also be de-crowned by a sacrificial naked run, three times3 around the building. This will likely be necessary, as gloating from a Wilson! win is certain to be gratuitous.

3. Suck it beer pong.

When did color happen...

I ran into this a second ago:

Why does it seem like all pictures taken before like 1920 are devoid of happiness? Was the smile some big revolution in photography? People frowning suits the colorlessness so well, I really can't complain. But these little girls look so miserable. When I see this it makes me think they just went end up in the market crash, lost it all in bubblegum futures and those little gold coins Jewish kids get at hanukkah. Or, they just heard the news that one of them would have to be eaten to make it through the coming hard winter1. From the placid, disengaged stare, obviously it's the one on the right.

Also, how can they possibly justify a $1000 price tag for this.

1. According to a person I wouldn't even trust with lizard capture, the persimmon seed, when bisected, and looks like a knife, foretells the approach of a harsh winter. Similarly, a spoon shaped seed indicates a mild winter, while a fork is largely indeterminate. 

The Burger King issues an edict

So I saw this today.

I also went to a career networking seminar.

As is the case with all career networking seminars, there was a preponderance of "don't burn any bridges" talk. Now I guess you can never be certain, but if I can be frank, I don't see any need to maintain connection with the homeopathic shaman kid on my high school hockey team, whose mother cryptically sent me a graduation announcement for a person I've never heard of, at a school I've never been to, four years after he graduated.1 Unless of course I decide to pursue a career in blood drinking and human sacrifice. Or fucking witchcraft. With that in mind, I could probably pair off a few of the less notables.

That being said. To find out that I was no longer someone's friend on facebook2, because somebody wanted a hamburger, a whopper3 no less, would definitively and conclusively end any relationship that might have just been sitting idly by the wayside.

Being a person who burns bridges with pathetic regularity, I'm thinking the best course of action is to just delete all my facebook friends in favor of a years supply of whoppers4. I'm sure most people wouldn't notice, and for those that do, and are legitimately offended, I'll give you a sandwich.

1. I cannot overstate the creepiness of this. Words really cannot describe the feeling associated with opening the package from a woman I haven't spoken with in years, who I barely spoke to before anyway, and finding a framed picture of some random dude in it.

2. I can't believe this is important enough to care about.

3. Easily the weakest hamburger offering at any fast food chain, but it is forgiven, because the original chicken sandwich is the ballinest sandwich available in under 30 seconds.

4. Interesting Personal Fact: I once won a years supply of Big Macs

Getting Things Done

Writing, generally, is a bitch. But really, in as much as you can get paid to do it, what a scam. The problem with writing here, though, is that it is a product of the internet, it is inherently connected to the internet. What that means, effectively, is that I can't use my typical strategy of getting things done--waiting until my wireless network dies of its own accord, and then eschewing the act of getting up, unplugging it, and plugging it back in, in favor of overwhelming, orangutan-like laziness.1 Instead, I have to compete with the perfect distraction that is everything on my google homepage.

Which is why the idea of China is fucking crazy. I once read that the internet looks like a big neuron, the way the connections are mapped, the way it just sort of freely grows. Like an artificial brain. Unfortunately, it's the brain of a six year old kid with down syndrome.2 Which is more or less why it yells at you about penises, and it is filled to overflowing with images of cats getting in and out of boxes. But not in China. Oh no, not in China. If I am to believe what the media says, its only weakness is its restriction on social expression. Otherwise, it is just the paragon of progress and innovation--if you can see past the general shittyness of everything.3 But I just have to argue, how great is this freedom of expression, really? I mean, yeah, I recognize the irony of talking about this using the most dramatic development in free speech since the invention of soap, and subsequently the boxes within which one carries said soap. But if the grand sum of our efforts toward free expression is this, then I must admit, I am skeptical. In China, its like the government decided to be whatever it is that causes my internet connection to slowly deteriorate, and it pays dividends, in math and science scores, and violin and piano playing abilities.4

Furthermore, as much as it seems like China is racing along at a frighteningly deliberate pace, a country of self-sacrificing nationalistic automatons5, American citizens are acting like bulls in their own china shop. It's not like I'm not guilty. I spend hours of the day watching stupid videos online. I revel in it6. And I admire those who don't. But I'd rather not spend all day qualifying myself, because I understand the other side, and like I said, I remain unconvinced.

And it doesn't look like theres gonna be a big switch, a big shakeup where we start doing things better again. World War II, are you serious, those people were unbelievable. Noble, and humble, and shit. Willing to run recklessly at bullets shot by obviously evil opponents. Our founding fathers. Ben Franklin. Where are our Ben Franklin's now. Ben Franklin once said,"A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things. There will be sleeping enough in the grave." If Ben Franklin were alive today, after scratching the dried refried beans off his Battlestar Gallactica T-shirt, he would say "Megaporn is down?! Grish Nakh!7 I demand retribution."

So what are we supposed to do? I don't know. Get comfortable, I guess. Admittedly, the whole point of the article was to express that Ben Franklin would be an excellent dungeon master today.

1. The fat kind at the zoo that waves at you, not the spry ones that are so sleek and clumsily graceful.

2. (see 1.)

3. Although that guy who wrote that opinion piece in the NY Times seems to think that it is just some of the most gleaming shit he has ever seen.
4. My sisters' piano teacher growing up refused to take Asian students because she said "they are like little piano playing robots."
5. So they silence dissent. Yeah, it makes it ambiguous as to how many people dislike their individual situation. But if we are to believe any of the Olympic propaganda about all their "volunteers," that is a nation whose citizens have no problem committing to a lifetime of Oregon Trail, at grueling pace with bare bones rations.
6. I plan on making this soon.

7. Indeterminate Klingon. I'd rather not say how much time I spent trying to find out how to say "I demand retribution."

Stand-Up

In a moment of revelatory brilliance, I think I'll also use this to talk about funny stand-up comedians, because I listen to tons of them and not that many people do.1 I'll find a place to put them.

1. Yes, I know you do, but not everyone does. The internet is a resource.

This is not about open source computing

So here's the deal. As fascinating and compelling as the case for open source software and computing might be, it is not funny. I don't really care about it that much. I have no reservations with deliberately ripping off the name to attract more attention from the reddit and digg users that will accelerate my otherwise slow but eventual rise to power. At least thats what I feel this will do.

I've toyed around with the idea of blogging before, which makes me sound like some kind of amish guy these days. I'm so late in the game. It feels like I'm finally admitting that using a gun to kill my dinner is better than attacking deer with my bear1 hands. That analogy holds no water.2 I very rarely kill deer. I'd like to think that bears do, although I would have to see it in low quality video before I'd believe it. And then the practice of blogging grinds so strongly with my gears. First, I'm just too lazy for this to be consistent. Second, I can't even fill out the bio page without thinking I'm somehow selling out to the invisible forces that strive to steal my money, and make public that which must be kept private. Like what my favorite movies are, and what interests I have.3 It makes me feel like a preening young teenage girl, brushing her hair a hundred strokes on each side, and expressing with a self-righteous indignant attitude about how shitty high school is, and how boys are such jerks.4

To spare the self-conscious rationalizations that only stand in my way of fame and fortune, I'm going to use this to document things that I think are funny in a way that I can never seem to do with pen and paper, or some sort of recording device. Although I have total respect for someone who would pull out a little notebook, chuckle to themselves, and write things down all time, I see it through the public eye as generally dick-ish behavior.

So steal from me, please. Take it and spread it around. You don't even have to say it was from here. I would be flattered. I'm not gonna put any of my good ideas on here anyway. And as long as I can keep you thinking that, I'll always have the upper hand.

1. intentional

2. I must say though, the image is awesome. I love the idea of some farm guy, douched with mud, twigs in his hair, and cloven hoof prints all over his face, accepting a rifle and being like "Strong argument, Greg. Strong argument. You had me at 'can kill things from a distance'."

3. By leaving that shit blank, I think the obvious answer is that I have none.

4.vbut not tom, caus he tuk me to the mall :p