Japan and Monkeys

Tangenting(?) before I can even start the article(?) I just want it on record that I despise the word "guesstimate." It solidifies the personality of the speaker so quickly in my mind; it is like a giant annoying statue that blocks my vision and impedes me from learning anything else about them. Estimate, the original, non-fucked with word, is completely applicable in every circumstance that you might need to use "guesstimate." Instead, you, an adult, consciously choose to sound like a fucking child. Why not guesstimate how many punkins they have out in front of the libary? You rube. Kids, on the other hand, can say it all they want. They are supposed to be stupid.

But lets get to the meat.

I'm not really sure if the Japanese watch a lot of TV. I'm led to believe that yes, yes they do. I feel like they have TV's built into the dashboards of their robot fighting suits. Which is to say, TV's are everywhere there. They also seem to have quite a few TV manufacturers. So yes, for the sake of the argument, lets say that they do. Lets just say they watch like 18 hours a day, in some sort of "advanced entertainment tube."

Now, I have never seen even one minute of Japanese television as it is broadcasted. That would require me to have visited Japan, and while I can say that I pray for such a windfall of good fortune nightly, I freely admit that I have never been. That is not to say that I haven't seen Japanese television. On the contrary! I feel like I have seen a great deal of it, although my recollection is mostly a stereotyped blur. I know they like gameshows. Thats a given. And apparently they are really mean on said gameshows. So we've heard...

What I never hear about though, is what seems to be the other half of Japanese television. Well, not counting Anime. I bet anime is a sturdy half, if not more, of the percentage of "shit on TV" in J-pan. I think thats also a given2. For arguments sake, lets just say it is. So we'll say Anime is 50%, and gameshows are 25% of the remaining 50%, ensuring that this article will satisfy all the necessary criteria for a word problem on a state issued math test for sixth graders. But I'm losing track of my point. The remaining 25%(fig 1.) --non-gameshow, non-anime-- is a never-ending show, featuring a panel of Japanese celebrities, who are constantly being featured in mini-reaction windows, in a manner that parallels the chart layout of (fig 1.), all this while a monkey is tortured by a team of highly trained Japanese monkey torturers.

Fig 1.

I suppose I should be more precise. A chimp. They are filmed while a chimp is tortured.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not trying to come down on them. It is torture from our aggressively PC Western perspective. The monkey seems to be having the time of his monkey life. Always. Apparently, the Japanese have managed to unlock the secret of the monkey. We are years behind them in that respect.

The last I remember hearing about monkeys in America was when that crazy-like 600 pound chimp, some aging circus chimp or something, hung up his slide whistle and finally settled down with a trashy old bitch who fed him beer all the time and made him run errands. Naturally then, he flipped out and mauled her despite his balding, overweight, plumber-like outward appearance. He then proceeded to furiously dominate her comatose body until police finally put him down. A pretty serious meltdown, and a harsh blow to those who have been pushing so hard for chimp ownership legalization3 in the US. These Japanese monkeys, the ones being tortured on television, they never do that.

To prove that I'm not making this all up, here it is. If you really want your mind blown, read the article as if the transgressor, "Travis," were not a monkey at all, but just some dude. And then read it back again as monkey. Weird, right?

But back to these shows. It bears mentioning that I have no idea what the fuck they are saying. And they always end up giving the monkey subtitles too, which I cannot read. I can't help but imagine that the Japanese have managed to crack monkey talk, and his subtitles are the direct translation of his very eloquent but forceful ape dialect.

Hopefully I can figure out how to embed these, but until then, links should suffice in completely proving the argument for whose sake we have been letting a lot of things go unquestioned.

The first, and prime mover of this chimp conclusion.

Further proof.

This last one is a classic, and its at the end, but I probably won't have to convince you to watch, you will definitely want to watch all of this4.

2. See the previous given concerning gameshows

3. The rule as it stands now is no chimps for anyone, unless you were grandfathered in. I know, lame.

4. This clip is actually an interesting hybrid of the two dominant non-anime sectors of Japanese television

Brick Walls

It is interesting how quickly a lifetime of premier education can fade into the shadows when the subscription cycle finally gets the axe. By that I mean I have graduated from college. I shant be returning to a four year institute ever again. Three cheers.

Not only have I graduated, but I initiated and completed the single greatest adventure of my young life. And now, here I sit, fresh from the four corners, head overflowing with experiences, stories, and living images of all manner of people and and places, and my dilemma is not how best to elaborate on this glut of writerly goods, but rather, I am facing a brick wall of whether or not I can do anything with this stuff.

Not because it wasn't a worthwhile trip. Oh no. It was practically a reenactment of the classic college comedy "Road Trip," with maybe five fewer hijinks per day. So without going into extensive detail, right there, goldmine. No, its something else.

You may notice this post has taken on a certain rambling quality. That is precisely what I am talking about. In the past week, I have forgotten nearly everything I have ever learned-- ever. Not shit like the theorems and statutes of geometry. I'd be a liar if I said I ever knew that stuff to begin with. No, far more troubling is my loss of the simple. For example, contractions are completely over my head. Contractions, right? The same ones that children are taught as early as first grade.1 Yes, those. Contractions. For some reason, they have become like landmines in sentences. God help me if the contraction has a negative spin to it like, can't or don't. If you hand me a written instruction that specifically commands me to avoid something, like "Don't use the swimming pool. It is filled with ants," I will undeniably be spotted tenderly pawing at my itchy welts through oven mitts in under an hour.

Edit: This is clearly an incomplete thought. Finish it later. -Dad

1. testified by many foreigners as the most difficult concept in the English language