-Patricia. Pat. Can I call you Pat? Well, we'll start with Pat and see where it goes. So Pat. Let me ask you. How would you like to be the next Bonnie Hunt?
-It's good to see I have your attention. I'm sorry. Bonnie Hunt has been a major film star. Your window for Bonnie Hunt is closed. That's how I work -- I draw you in with a taste of the good life, and then push you tumbling over the hunched back of reality. But Pat, I wouldn't string you along if I didn't have the very next best thing. Jane Kaczmarek.
-Yes, Kaczmarek. Don't give me that face. She's fucking huge, Pat. A high-powered, bipartisan, legal drama on cable? She's comfortable. You're not refusing job security until you are dead, are you? Two words, babe. Andy Griffith.
-Well, we were thinking. By we, I mean, me, Steve, and the boys. We said to ourselves, who's got it? Who's got that classic Kaczmarek charisma? Barbara Eden had it. You better believe Esther Rolle had it. Well, Steve and I were watching a few reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond," and zingo. You know what we said? Pat Heaton's got it, too. In spades.
-Ok, so this is how it goes down. What made Kaczmarek a star? (points fingers to temples) Flashback...the year is 2003...middle American moms are delivered a no nonsense, take-no-prisoners, do-what-she-has-to female star to fill the intimidatingly large shoes left by Rosane Barr. She is a palpable force on Malcom in the Middle. Shockwaves. (Hands Flutter) So, why try to invent something new, when we've got a perfectly good recipe for success?
-Haha, exactly. So we were thinking about calling it just "The Middle" this time. Nobody ever had any interest in Frankie Muniz anyway.
-
Not unless TLC wants to make another show about little people. That's gold, Pat. Isn't that gold, boys? We've decided to replace his character with a homely, young, girl.
-Yeah, it works. Right, so we were thinking about calling it "The Middle," which Steve cleverly pointed out also means middle America. That's who we've got the crosshairs on, so for my buck, it's win-win. Those blue collar types out there have been downright chomping at the bit for something new that is also old at the same time. We've got numbers.
-Well, you would be starring of course. For your son, we got Charlie McDermott.
-He is that little mute boy you've been hearing so much about. He is the Stevie Wonder of the mutes, no lie. His disabled person power is expertly displaying angst and obstinancy without uttering a single word-- you couldn't ask for a better teenage actor.
-Well, it wouldn't be ABC without a little incest, so we got Neil Flynn.
-Yes, he plays the janitor on "Scrubs." Everybody likes that guy.
-Of course he has more than one dimension.
-I know. I loved Dewey, too. In fact, I hope you loved him as much as I did, because we got him again.
-Haha, no. Not the original actor. He's much too old and ugly. But this new kid, I'll tell you what, he had me fooled. Here, look.
-Here is Dewey.
-And here is the new kid.
-I know if I were on the other side of this table, I would be asking for the pen at this point.
-Well, I am glad to hear it. We'll be in touch.
...and scene.
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